This is a song about toxic cliques within the punk scene. It's about standing up for yourself and not betraying your politics in favour of popularity contests. Stand by survivors, stick up for each other but do not defend someone that's done something shitty and refuses to be held accountable just because they're your friend. It's behaviour like that that reinforces rape culture, heteronormativity, white supremacy, ableism, body shaming and patriarchy within the scene. Are we actually punk or are we playing at being punk? What does punk even mean to us? Is it anti-authoritarian and critical or is it defined by saying the right words, wearing the right clothes and sheltering abusers? Am I punk yet? Am I punk enough? Am I punk yet? Am I punk enough? Punish me for my sins Punish me for staying in Punish me for my sins Punish me, break me in Keep it in the family Don't let anyone know Keep it in the family Don't let anyone go

trigger warning/content note: rape This song began as a summary of one of the relationships that I'm in, and got dark very quickly (with the line "everything hurts all of the time"). I realised while playing this live with End Men that this song is about navigating being a rape survivor while continuing to have sexual relationships with men. I have been sexually assaulted and abused by men throughout my life. None of these men have been held accountable for their actions. This being my background, I find it incredibly difficult to have sex. My mind is racing constantly, and I try my hardest to keep smiling and enjoy myself, but any suggestion of desire from them grates at me until I become this machine who can only think about the desires of another. Taking citalopram has made it difficult for me to feel as much sexual pleasure as I used to, and this impacts the sex I have: the men I'm having sex with are always hornier than I am. I struggle with this because I often have to say no, I often have to tone down the situation, and I am terrified of saying no. I've said no and not been listened to. I've said no and been told off. I've said no and the other person has said "okay" with a look of disappointment on their face. I've said no and the other person has said "okay" and meant it, but I still feel incredible guilt that I can't escape from. I've spoken about these issues to all of my current partners, I almost feel like I couldn't have any sort of relationship where these things weren't talked about openly from the beginning. But I feel like I have lost sex. It doesn't feel safe for me at all any more. Under my skin it's all blood and guts and muscles and bones You don't like to think about that It makes you sick Instead you have an army of tiny people inside pulling all the levers And pushing all the switches It's what makes you tick Everything hurts all of the time Everything hurts all of the time Everything hurts all of the time It makes me sick See above for my list of complaints Swap my eyes for your demeanor Red sockets traded for clarity and calm See below I'm down here on the floor Under this dark sky we're all falling down forever You don't like to think about that It makes you sick In the morning we have oats and milk if we're lucky we'll be smiling Not crying no never crying It's what makes you tick Everything hurts all of the time Everything hurts all of the time See above for my list of complaints Swap my eyes for your demeanor Red sockets traded for clarity and calm See below I'm down here on the floor Everything hurts all of the time Everything hurts all of the time Everything hurts all of the time It makes me sick See above for my list of complaints Swap my eyes for your demeanor Red sockets traded for clarity and calm See below I'm down here on the floor

The longest relationship I've been in was wracked with lies, anxiety, passive-aggressiveness and bullying. I've accepted the blame for all the problems in the relationship because it is easier than facing the anger of the other person. This song is about my anger towards that person. I really struggle to express anger, and have been trying to work on that a lot more over the last year. There is a "Johnstone temper" in my family, and I think I suppressed those feelings in line with that longing every queer kid feels to be taken away from their family in their youth. Those thoughts that this family definitely isn't mine: not because they are awful, but because there is no way I can be related to these people; they're so different to me. The relationships I've been in that reproduced family dynamics for me have been the most toxic, and of course they were going to be toxic. Here: am I blaming myself too much? Probably. What else am I allowed to do? I wish I could do what he does Impale myself and lay myself bare It was my fault, it was my fault Nothing needed, nothing gained But then that reckless, am I that reckless Or selfish, am I that selfish Deadbeat frenetic energy Built up on the cold bike home from yours To lay myself bare For your benefit I won't just do what you want I've gotta show my feelings are worthy of thought I have enough self worth To realise My apology means nothing to you Just the pain I display But then that reckless, am I that reckless Or selfish, am I that selfish Dead beat frenetic energy Built up on the cold bike home from yours To lay myself bare For your benefit I won't just do what you want I've gotta show my feelings are worthy of thought Your tears fall upwards Mine fall down into my lap We listen to R.E.M. "Life and how to live it" and avoid eye contact You don't say a word, me neither Because there's nothing left to say There's nothing left for us at all better go your own way I wish I could do what he does Impale myself and lay myself bare Say "it was my fault, it was my fault" A peacock with feathers of blood But then that reckless, am I that reckless Or selfish, am I that selfish Dead beat / frenetic energy Built up on the cold bike home To lay myself bare For your benefit At nine twenty two I always lied to you

Wayna is the lead character in Deep End by Nisi Shawl, a transplanted personality hoping with all her strength that she will be reunited with her lover once the body she's been managing is settled on a planetary colony. This song is about feeling like you can't achieve what your body should because your mind is damaged and you've been crushed by insults and jibes from others. It's about having no strength and feeling powerless. It's about wanting to be saved from a state of emotional and mental destitution by a man. Wayna is a strong woman who comes to the conclusion that she doesn't need her male lover. I wish I could be as strong as Wayna. Cheat and lie, I'll stay with this cheat and lie routine Til I meet a nice boy Who won't mind my dirty soul While I grow cold Nursing a lie of my own There goes my mind Staring at your diary there on the bed While I grow cold Nursing a lie of my own There goes everything, you know You could have it so much better Cheat and lie, I've got this cheat and lie thing going Til I meet a nice boy Who won't mind my dirty soul Keeping you with me Was ever so easy Keeping you happy, well Words I couldn't hear There's a possibility In the sky Some words Outline our future Together or apart There's a chance Everything will be fine Could you just fly away today? Reach up, grab those words There's a chance Everything will be fine While I grow cold Nursing a lie of my own I couldn't stop myself With your diary there on the bed Cheat and lie I've got this cheat and lie thing going Til I meet a nice boy Who won't mind my dirty soul

This song is about Francis, a character I reference in almost all of the work I've produced. He was a man who held a great deal of power over me for about a year of my life. I've been told by others that he treated me very badly, but his power still has a hold over me and I can only see him with a sheen - still perfect, still beautiful, warm, kind, emotional, sensitive, caring, generous. I'm singing to myself in this song. I'm singing to the self that still loves Francis. I want to hold onto the knowledge that in his leaving I was freed. You're the exception that tests the rule My cold heart's put up those walls My slut heart breaks a tunnel through You know you can believe yourself You know that what you think is true But there's this pain and fear inside Cold in a place deep within you This is a good year for vampires This is a good year for never learning any lessons This is a good year for carbohydrates You will learn that happiness is a missed call