The longest relationship I've been in was wracked with lies, anxiety, passive-aggressiveness and bullying. I've accepted the blame for all the problems in the relationship because it is easier than facing the anger of the other person. This song is about my anger towards that person. I really struggle to express anger, and have been trying to work on that a lot more over the last year. There is a "Johnstone temper" in my family, and I think I suppressed those feelings in line with that longing every queer kid feels to be taken away from their family in their youth. Those thoughts that this family definitely isn't mine: not because they are awful, but because there is no way I can be related to these people; they're so different to me. The relationships I've been in that reproduced family dynamics for me have been the most toxic, and of course they were going to be toxic. Here: am I blaming myself too much? Probably. What else am I allowed to do?

I wish I could do what he does
Impale myself and lay myself bare
It was my fault, it was my fault
Nothing needed, nothing gained

But then that reckless, am I that reckless
Or selfish, am I that selfish
Deadbeat frenetic energy
Built up on the cold bike home from yours

To lay myself bare
For your benefit
I won't just do what you want
I've gotta show my feelings are worthy of thought

I have enough self worth
To realise
My apology means nothing to you
Just the pain I display

But then that reckless, am I that reckless
Or selfish, am I that selfish
Dead beat frenetic energy
Built up on the cold bike home from yours

To lay myself bare
For your benefit
I won't just do what you want
I've gotta show my feelings are worthy of thought

Your tears fall upwards
Mine fall down into my lap
We listen to R.E.M. "Life and how to live it" and avoid eye contact
You don't say a word, me neither
Because there's nothing left to say
There's nothing left for us at all better go your own way

I wish I could do what he does
Impale myself and lay myself bare
Say "it was my fault, it was my fault"
A peacock with feathers of blood

But then that reckless, am I that reckless
Or selfish, am I that selfish
Dead beat / frenetic energy
Built up on the cold bike home

To lay myself bare
For your benefit
At nine twenty two
I always lied to you