trigger warning/content note: rape

This song began as a summary of one of the relationships that I'm in, and got dark very quickly (with the line "everything hurts all of the time"). I realised while playing this live with End Men that this song is about navigating being a rape survivor while continuing to have sexual relationships with men. I have been sexually assaulted and abused by men throughout my life. None of these men have been held accountable for their actions. This being my background, I find it incredibly difficult to have sex. My mind is racing constantly, and I try my hardest to keep smiling and enjoy myself, but any suggestion of desire from them grates at me until I become this machine who can only think about the desires of another. Taking citalopram has made it difficult for me to feel as much sexual pleasure as I used to, and this impacts the sex I have: the men I'm having sex with are always hornier than I am. I struggle with this because I often have to say no, I often have to tone down the situation, and I am terrified of saying no. I've said no and not been listened to. I've said no and been told off. I've said no and the other person has said "okay" with a look of disappointment on their face. I've said no and the other person has said "okay" and meant it, but I still feel incredible guilt that I can't escape from. I've spoken about these issues to all of my current partners, I almost feel like I couldn't have any sort of relationship where these things weren't talked about openly from the beginning. But I feel like I have lost sex. It doesn't feel safe for me at all any more.

Under my skin it's all blood and guts and muscles and bones
You don't like to think about that
It makes you sick

Instead you have an army of tiny people inside pulling all the levers
And pushing all the switches
It's what makes you tick

Everything hurts all of the time
Everything hurts all of the time
Everything hurts all of the time
It makes me sick

See above for my list of complaints
Swap my eyes for your demeanor
Red sockets traded for clarity and calm
See below I'm down here on the floor

Under this dark sky we're all falling down forever
You don't like to think about that
It makes you sick

In the morning we have oats and milk if we're lucky we'll be smiling
Not crying no never crying
It's what makes you tick

Everything hurts all of the time
Everything hurts all of the time

See above for my list of complaints
Swap my eyes for your demeanor
Red sockets traded for clarity and calm
See below I'm down here on the floor

Everything hurts all of the time
Everything hurts all of the time
Everything hurts all of the time
It makes me sick

See above for my list of complaints
Swap my eyes for your demeanor
Red sockets traded for clarity and calm
See below I'm down here on the floor